Victor Teakwood, the founder and Chief Executive Person of PETP, People for the Ethical Treatment of People, issued the following statement at a sparsely-attended press conference in downtown Madison, Wisconsin today:
"We, the people of People for the Ethical Treatment of People, are totally opposed
to Scottish zombie comedian Angus MacAbre's modest proposal for preventing riffraff
from ruining this year's Halloween celebration on State Street on Saturday, October 27th."
"We, the people of PETP, are totally opposed to the idea of zombies consuming the
flesh of raucous troublemakers, even if they are from outside the great state of
"We, the people of PETP strongly believe that people are the most valuable of both our human resources and our non-human resources. We also strongly believe that
raucous troublemakers are not beyond redemption. As a matter of fact, I used to be
a bit of a raucous troublemaker myself during my younger days and now look at me. I'm the founder and Chief Executive Person of PETP."
After a very long and very awkward pause, Teakwood added the following aside: "And
yes, I realize our website address is quite long. We wanted to just go with our
acronym, PETP, but it turns out that People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants,beat us to that domain name. Oh, well.
I guess it just goes to show you that if you snooze, you lose."